did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
