She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
