The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
