So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
