so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
