I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
