we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
