I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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