Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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