Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
