question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
