I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
