I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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