So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
