I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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