def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
