Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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