so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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