Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
