Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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