My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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