1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
