haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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