she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So squirting runs in the family.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
