Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
