I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
