Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
