Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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