and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
