i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
