I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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