being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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