Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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