my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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