if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
