You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
