My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
