I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
