he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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