I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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