They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
