I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
