I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
