I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
