I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
