I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
