I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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