you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
