so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize