Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I love you. Go after that dick
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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