I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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