I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
