i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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