well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
