Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
