just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
