I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
