I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize