piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
