I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
