So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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