great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
