I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
