Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
