This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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