If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
