At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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