Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
