Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
