you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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