please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize